


Shattered Memories

by lovelymeraki



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: 7x12 spec, Bardo, Bellarke, Disciple Bellamy, F/M, Memories, T100, The 100 (TV) Season 7, The 100 - Freeform, bellamy hears the radio calls, blarke, clarke’s radio calls, mcap, the 100 season 7, void bellamy - Freeform, voidbellamy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:35:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25892203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovelymeraki/pseuds/lovelymeraki
Summary: Clarke is tortured for her memories, and Bellamy hears a radio call he can't ignore.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake & Clarke Griffin, Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, Bellarke - Relationship, Clarke Griffin/Bellamy Blake, clarke/bellamy
Comments: 16
Kudos: 146





	Shattered Memories

Blood as dark as night stuck to Clarke’s temples as she sat connected to the mcap machine. The physical pain that laced her body was nothing compared to the crippling feeling of her heart slowly tearing itself apart. 

Bellamy stood on the other end of the room. She couldn’t move to look at him but, if she could, she hoped she would see that he couldn’t bear it either. Maybe even see that a small part of their pain was intertwined, weaving around connected memories. 

She squeezed her eyes shut, hoping to block out the rest of the droning conversations around her, and the reality she knew deep down that Bellamy wouldn’t be feeling any of the countless emotions pooling inside of her. He chose this. He was standing there in that room watching, without saying anything. And maybe, in that moment, that’s what hurt Clarke the most. 

“Clarke, we’re going to start again.” Cadogan’s voice echoed through the mcap room. “If you stop fighting it won’t hurt as much.” She heard him step closer, his voice growing quieter, as if it was being suffocated with a false form of sympathy. “I can see that you’re tired. If you cooperate, I can promise you safety for your people.”

She released a small, bitter laugh. She knew the second he found out about the key, none of them were safe. He wanted the information in her head, and he had no interest in her people’s safety. 

Clarke shifted her head to meet his eyes, letting his empty promise hang in the air a minute longer. “Go float yourself,” she said, venom leaking through her words. She meant to sound steady, but she could feel the energy draining from her body the longer she fought against her own mind. 

“Shepherd,” Bellamy’s voice reached where Clarke was holding Cadogan’s stare, and her focus immediately latched onto it. “She won’t be able to take much more. If we keep going, you’ll find the information you need.”

Her eyes blurred, tears starting to form without her consent, and she felt a sliver of hate for herself snake through her body at the strength she was lacking. 

“Very well,” Cadogan said, stepping away. He paused. “Bellamy, maybe it would be best if you took the lead. It might help.. persuade her.”

His offer was met with silence, and Clarke felt as if the passing seconds were frozen, all of them feeling longer than the last. 

She laid still, preparing herself for the moment Bellamy’s voice would ask her for something she didn’t want to give. Hoping her mind could go against itself and all that she’s known in order to not give him what he wants. 

“Bellamy..” she whispered, hoping it would reach him. 

Her words were only met with more silence. Clarke could feel Bellamy stepping closer, but she kept her eyes focused directly in front of her until his voice collided with her mind. 

“You’re in an endless desert with a vast purple sky,” Bellamy said, “a hand reaches out for your own. Whose is it?” 

The pain was immediate, and it was too much for her. Clarke cried out, hoping it might help. It didn’t, but she did it again and again until she felt as if she was splitting her mind in half. It was the type of pain that flooded your whole body, taking up every shattered corner of your mind until there was no space left for anything else. 

It was the type of pain that could freeze you out. Leave you feeling empty and dead until there was nothing left of who you thought you were, and Clarke knew she was too weak to keep fighting against herself. 

With one last choked sob, she broke, and she felt a memory slip. It was too much, feeling as if she was being robbed of the one thing she thought she could always control. Before she could try to pull herself back together, she was letting them all go. 

One by one memories flooded the mcap screen. Lexa, Finn, Kane, Madi, her parents. Thousands of faces, the same that haunted her dreams. Some of strangers and some of the people she held closest. Love and loss danced across the screen for the whole room to see, and they watched as if it meant nothing. As if the emotions embedded so deeply within her mind were as forgettable as anything else. 

A tear slipped down her cheek. A passageway for all the heartbreak that was stinging her mind. 

Cadogan didn’t stop on any one memory. He let her own mind wander, and it did. It raced through an endless string of painful and beautiful moments until her focus gripped onto one memory, pulling it out from the rest. 

Another time when she felt as alone as she did now. 

Clarke’s voice filled the room, and she closed her eyes, knowing exactly what she would see without having to look. Another tear escaped down her cheek, and she tried to numb herself of the vulnerability cascading over her. 

“Bellamy.” 

His name, so simple, spoken from her own past self felt so raw to listen to in a room surrounded by strangers. The way his name felt on her lips belonged to her, especially in this specific memory. It shattered her even more to know this memory would belong to all of them now, in their own way. 

Clarke remembered the day playing out in front of them as if it was yesterday. As if a century didn’t stretch between then and now. She could almost feel the hard metal of the radio in her hand, could almost taste the dust on her cracked lips and the wind on her burnt face. 

She swallowed, too weak to fight it, knowing she couldn’t stop the words flowing through the room. She listened, and the part of her that was letting her strength go in that moment hoped Bellamy would listen too. 

“I don’t know how much longer I’m going to last down here. I’ve been trying to fight, trying to survive. I keep thinking all of this suffering will be worth it if I can just see you again. All of you,” Clarke heard herself laugh. A shallow laugh, filled with nothing but hopelessness. “Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if I made it to the rocket in time, if I got to go to space with you..” There’s a pause, a fleeting moment of her past self getting lost in her own thoughts. “Maybe it would’ve been peaceful. I forget what that’s like.. Not having to live as if the next moment wasn’t quite guaranteed, always waiting for another threat. Another war..”

Cadogan made a small noise in his spot next to the others, but he didn’t say anything. They all hung on her every word, even though she knew this memory wouldn’t help their cause. They let it play anyway. 

Clarke's voice continued flowing through the silent room. “Is it? Peaceful, I mean. I hope it is. You deserve that Bellamy. You deserve to be happy. Octavia, Gina, your mom, they would all want that for you. I want that for you.” A weak sigh filled the room. “The days stretch out down here. I find myself thinking about that a lot. About you, actually.” Another empty laugh. “I wish I could thank you for everything you’ve done for me. You might think that it wasn’t much, but it was everything. I hope you know how special you really are. How special you’ve always been.” Another outstretching moment of hesitation. “I wish you could see yourself the way I do. I wish you could know—”

Clarke knew what was coming. She forced her eyes shut again, bracing herself for her own words. 

“I..I love you Bellamy. And I know you can’t hear me, but I want you to know that. And I know it might be selfish, but saying it out loud is for me, not you. I needed to say it at least once, just in case I don’t ma- just in case I don’t get to see you again.” Sadness was attached to Clarke’s words, and she knew they would see the tears that fell from her eyes that day. There were few because of dehydration, but they were there. 

“I’ll keep talking into this crap radio until the day comes when I can’t find the energy to do it anymore but until then.. may we meet again.”

Her mind let the memory pass, an emptiness settling over her brain for the first time that day. A hushed silence blanketed the entire room, and Clarke allowed her eyes to reopen. She focused on the ceiling above her, ignoring the mcap machine blocking half of her view and the lump forming in her throat. Her cheeks felt wet, and Clarke couldn’t tell if it was blood, tears, or both. 

After another moment Cadogan cleared his throat. “That’s enough for right now. Her mind isn’t focusing. Bellamy, you can take her back to the others now.” Clarke could hear the sliver of annoyance he was trying to bury in his words.

Someone moved closer to her, detaching the mcap machine. She felt herself release a breath, taking some of the pressure off of herself so she wouldn’t feel like she was drowning in it. 

“Bellamy,” Cadogan said again, his voice sharpened in the smallest way, trying to clasp onto Bellamy’s attention. 

Clarke allowed her eyes to shift over to Bellamy for the first time since they forced her into this room. Sweat slipped down her forehead and the back of her neck as she took him in with tired eyes. 

Bellamy stood completely still, his eyes stuck on the space where her memory had just played out for all of them to witness. His hands, no longer clasped together, had fallen to his sides. His lips were parted slightly, as if he was as lost in his own mind as she had just been. 

“Bellamy,” Cadogan said for a final time.

His words finally pulled Bellamy out of it. His eyes shifted to the chair Clarke laid in, and she looked away before she could see his face looking in her direction. 

“Of course, Shepherd,” he said.

Cadogan and the rest of the disciples left the room, leaving Bellamy and Clarke alone. 

Bellamy moved towards her slowly. He hesitated before reaching out and helping Clarke into a sitting position. 

His touch was light, as it had always been with her, and she tried to fight the familiar feeling she always got when his presence was so close. She felt safe, at home, even after everything that had just happened. 

She focused on the white of his clothes, not wanting to look into his eyes. Not wanting to feel disconnected from her Bellamy again, knowing that she wouldn’t see the same eyes she knew so well. The ones she loved. Afraid they would be empty, knowing they wouldn’t look at her the way they used to. She didn’t think she could handle that right now. She had always found herself being weak because of him. 

“Clarke,” Bellamy said quietly. 

That’s all it took. 

One word, her name, entrapped within his voice, and her eyes were finding his. 

Her breath caught. A whirlwind of emotions swam inside Bellamy’s eyes, too many to read into. His eyes searched hers, as if he was looking for something. 

He stepped away from her, his touch leaving her along with the warmth that his presence brought from being so close. He ran a hand through his curls and down the front of his face, some of the emotions she saw in his eyes exploding onto the surface. 

Bellamy moved back towards where she sat too weak to move, just watching him. She could tell the frustration was getting to be too much, and Clarke watched as he brought his fist down onto the chair where she once laid. 

His sudden outburst startled her. She jumped slightly, and her heart started to race for more reasons than one. 

His eyes found hers again. He looked torn, as if he was fighting something inside of himself that she wasn’t a part of. 

“Bellamy—” 

She didn’t have time to process his movements before his lips were on hers. 

It was a soft kiss, gentle, even after his outburst of emotions. He tasted like what she imagined peace might feel like, if she would ever get to experience it. Their lips molded together as if they were made for each other. As if they would always fit like that, no matter what happened, and still feel right. 

Clarke decided that she could stay in this moment forever. And she knew that even after their lips would inevitably part, this was a memory she wouldn’t mind reliving. 

She deepened the kiss, moving her lips against his smoothly. Bellamy did the same, both of them trying to express all the feelings they hadn’t had the privilege of telling each other. 

It was a kiss filled with mended promises, love that would never waver, and the hope they thought they lost.

**Author's Note:**

> Some of the small bellarke kiss script idea from a spoiler account on twitter guided me through the last part of this. I hope it all fit and worked together because I ended up feeling like it was a little rushed. Anyways, hopefully you liked it.
> 
> (I edited this all up a tiny bit in order to get it to the word count I wanted since it was so close.) 
> 
> thanks for reading xx


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